 moi. vanessa. (: 180494 cedar eldds crystal tab
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Saturday, July 25, 2009 @ 1:36 AM zzz. zzz i can't stand it la. idk. this sucks, the moment i switched off the com, i felt like all my thoughts suddenly came back to me. like, like, idk. suddenly when it was all quiet, i heard my heart again? ah this sucks. this is the first time i've felt such pain for someone who's feeling pain for me. in fact this is the first time i've actually felt pain for others? i told you i can't relate . empathy-less, rmb? hai this is stoopeed. why am i even talking here. idk, it's cos i can't talk to God anymore? our 2-way connection was never strong? ): i really need to let it out, like with someone sitting by my side, and me staring into the space in front of me and just spilling everything out? omgosh i can't even bring myself to let my thoughts outta my head. as in they can't go anywhere near my mouth cos i don't even have the energy to say it. wthell's wrong with me man. all my emotions are flooding in. typing this post, i feel numb, cos i just need to let everything out. i've always thought that i WAS letting everything out, honestly. but now i've realised that i haven't? i've been bottling up! i'm too freakin used to happiness. omgoodness help. i'm in denial. i do thank God for the 2 sided brain of thoughts that He's blessed me with? but like omgosh. i'm not handling it properly. i've always known that one side is stronger than the other, and the stronger side isn't the better side of me. i'm getting it into control though. but i'm wondering if my method of controlling is just bottling up. omg i feel so stupid not realising that i've actually been bottling it up. bottling all my feelings up. i'm not letting them out. i've become too weak to let them out and save myself. i'm not even turning to God now. i don't have the strength and i don't have ANYTHING left in me to even try to go and draw strength from God. like wtsheet. i'm just typing non-stop. refuge. this is pretty good, the blog as my refuge. but i've never really needed a refuge. why am i becoming so emo nowadays? okay wait it's not actually emo. i mean, obviously everyone has their own emo side right. i know the words to use. deep in thoughts. just now when i was bathing in the deep of the night, it was so quiet that i could finally hear my mind. i think my illness's screwing up my mind. or rather. fixing it somehow. tsk. stoopeed sheets. idk. idk idk idk. i'm feeling insecure? oh God. i'm too used to happiness. and this adapting phase is killing me. GOD i'm 15, i haven't even seen much of life yet. i rmb when eugene told me i needed to think more, think about my life and all that mature stuff, in my mind i was thinking, "honestly i'm not like other teens. those stuff you're saying now doesn't apply to me cos i lead a relatively happy life that i enjoy and love." okay well like sheetme, now i get what you mean. i told janice before too that like, why can't i go and experience some pain? i think that's the only way to be exposed to it and mature. then she told me "don't worry, pain will come ." at that moment it struck me as to why i'd never thought of that. mm hmm now i get it? pain has come? oh sheet me. what's this mans. and it's true what she said, "when pain has come you'd rather it didn't." yeah. that's what i feel now. but then joshua said before that anything that one experiences, is all part of God's plan to mould you into someone who will turn out stronger at the end." somehow idk from where, but i've got faith and hope that i will? yes. i will, honestly, i've got confidence in myself as well as faith in God and His plans. and the bible says He'll never give us anything we can't handle. so honestly i'm pretty sure i can handle it. with His help. okay wow what's this. i didn't realise that typing out all my emotions here could lead me to this sudden turn of feelings. wow. or rather all along it's been inside me but was clouded by everything that's been happening? i'm getting all my feelings back. rmb i said that my heart feels empty and numb. i'm getting all my feelings back. or rather all my feelings before weren't even genuine enough. lols idk. i've got a feeling they weren't. oh God. everything's flooding back. too much at once. everything about daddy and mummy, my friends like esther nicole and maybe even vijaya? people whom i pitied a little but couldn't feel anything about it? i couldn't RELATE, rmb. oh gawd i realised i'm talking to my own mind when i say "rmb". -.- lols okay anw, wtv mans. haix. daddy. don't be so sad for too long. i know the truth is difficult to accept. but i know you'll turn out to be a better man and father, since God's alr working so hard on you. don't resist Him, he'll give you life and you'll feel love because God IS love. mummy, idk what to say to you. i really miss you mummy, i really do. but i can't bring myself to say it. is this pride? i don't know. or maybe it's just my tired heart that can't stand your tone any longer. i'm sorry i sound so rude now, but that's how i really feel. you smsed "if i die tmr my only regret would be that i couldn't see your bubbly face since last sunday. i'm sorry i hurt you so deeply." well. honestly i was really touched by it. that was really sweet mummy. but the thing is, you didn't hurt me. you just made my anger boil throughout the years, taking it for granted. although i know i myself have been taking you for granted too. but my limits. you went overboard with my limits, and now that i've exploded, the debris can't be pieced back together anymore. idk why i'm so negative towards you. we clash, mummy. i know you know that. but each time i made the effort, you replied "aiyah when we talk we always argue, don't talk la!". omgoodness you stoopeed. do you know how much it hurt then? my heart aches. it finally feels the pain. i can't believe i'm tearing as i'm typing this. i'm recalling all the times when i had my heart gradually numbed because of you. and now that my heart's unfreezing from this sudden burst/flow of emotions, i can't handle it. wuyi said i did a good thing in controlling my anger. but i didn't. it was just waiting to erupt inside my head. and you finally made it erupt. it destroyed so much. i can't even feel genuine love between us anymore. i hate you so much. but i love you mummy, you're the biggest angel in my life. why are my expectations of you so high. is it because i expected love from you? or rather maybe i actually lacked that all along? i didn't feel much. my feelings are coming back. i'm feeling my heart. i'm feeling the pain. God help me, i need to cry out to someone now. stoopeed. idk who's awake now. i know You are, but idk. i feel like going downstairs to the playground to just cry. i know You can be reached anywhere and anytime, but idk. i can't feel You God, help! ); i'm about to die. stoopeed sheet. oh God save me. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssstupid!
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